(With breakout star Joanne heading to Golden Globe after-parties and with the rest of Joanne's week dedicated to an interview with ‘People,’ filming an Almay Cosmetics commercial, and reviewing her hectic schedule with her agent, I, Ms. Prisha Pattershandra took the opportunity to complete the final chapter of ‘Prisha’s Travels’)

“What the hell is she doing?” - “We have to stop this train!” – The air of desperation on the early afternoon train out of Port Town was palpable as some 200 people who boarded the Port Town Bay Transit Authority’s express hoped to avoid the very confrontation they were about to encounter. Stunned and overwhelmed passengers were able to get a full view of the giant lady through the large panoramic windows as the train chugged around a curve in the tracks. The mischevious130’ Beth straddled the section of railroad tracks that lay only a half mile ahead of the fast approaching coach, her smooth legs extending into the sky higher than utility poles.

People started calling on the many ticket agents to stop the train when one quick-thinking woman pulled the emergency brake. It was too late. By the time the brake pads made contact with the wheels, the train was only 400 feet from Beth and still approaching at 60 MPH. What awaited them; Beth had removed her juicy, moist and gooey grape bubble gum from her mouth and pasted it on the railroad track, creating a seven foot by seven foot bed of stickiness two feet high, a patchwork of sugary green that sat before the speeding locomotive, its architect, the smiling giant Beth, eager to see how the train and gum would greet one another.

Several people on the train began kicking out the many emergency escape windows in anticipation of a bad wreck. As the train approached to within 100 feet of the booby-tracked section of track, Beth scampered girlishly off the tracks toward the warm waters of the Port Bay that lay only 20 feet away. With the roar of the engine and the rudeness of the coach’s bold horn blasting into the giant’s soft ears, the train barreled down the track. Beth stepped into the Bay’s water, the ground rumbling before her just off shore. Standing at the water’s edge, the Bay up to her thighs, Beth knelt down, placing her hands on the soft grass between her and the gum-laden track.

In seeming slow motion, Beth’s big blue eyes bore witness to the world’s first train wreck-by-bubble gum. The train’s conductor braced himself for impact with the gooeyness the size of a king bed, the green patch in full view. Like a meteorite making contact with a lake, the engine plowed into the gum, the saliva-soaked treat immersing the fast spinning wheels, jamming up brakes as the stubborn line of cars in-tow jarred to and fro. Beth cupped her ears as the groan, roar, crunch and grind of metal gave way to the derailing of the first three rail cars, the more fortunate rear cars, having been spared the brunt of Beth’s antics, still sat on the rails in a tangled mess, resembling a toy train set abandoned by a child.

OOPS! Beth playfully boomed down to the quickly fleeing passengers as windows popped open and tiny people appeared from the steel boxes below her behemoth face. Miraculously, only minor injuries ensued, as sticky gum residue appeared to have painted the scene like a mural, flakes and strands attaching to people and wreckage like a Post-It Note; the smoky air sharing the spotlight with the aroma of grape bubble gum. By the time a small crowd of beleaguered and dazed people had gathered beside the mess, Beth donned nothing more than her Hanes undergarments in anticipation of a quick watery getaway. Lowering her face even closer to the squashy green grass before her, she leaned her lengthy lashes menacingly over the giant-fatigued people, offering, SORRY, PEEPS, IT MAY BE A WHILE FOR THE NEXT TRAIN GETS HERE. THE EXPRES IS OUT OF SERVICE. I THINK THE NEXT LOCAL IS DUE AROUND…OH…3PM………NEXT YEAR. Beth chuckled when she spotted a crush of people coming from the neighboring highway to help. Leaving well enough alone, she slowly submerged beneath the Bay’s chopping warm waters, disappearing; leaving behind the wonderment of what the gargantuan gal might do next.

OPRAH OVERHEAD

The afternoon sun beamed down on the larger-than-life new BFF’s Tanya and Prisha as their commanding presence in the Port River could only be overshadowed by one person in the entire world; Oprah Winfrey. “Hey ladies. Hi ya doin’ out there,” Oprah casually asked of the stunned women; Oprah’s voice carried via a helicopters PA system over the river. Tanya and Prisha looked at each other in amazement and confusion as Prisha mouthed to Tanya, “Oprah?” “Yes. It’s me, the big O,” Oprah’s voice echoing in the clear summer air. The sounds of the river water gentling rustling and the commotion on the bridge gave way to the sounds of a cheering audience from the PA, Oprah;s standard studio guests on hand to lend moral support.

Within seconds, a nearby billboard Jumbotron located just at the river’s edge lit up with the familiar talk show host’s face, as well as that of Tyra Bank’s (with her trademark, You-gotta-be-kidding-me stare) who was co-hosting this historic show. The giant women focused intently on the screen, waiting awkwardly to be addressed. “Ladies, how are you?” Tyra chimed in. Tanya gushed, holding her hand to her chest. TYRA? TYRA BANKS? I AM SUCH A FAN. LOVE YOUR SHOW ……’AMERICA’S TOP MODEL’…OMIGOD! Tyra, unimpressed and unmoved by Tanya’s flattering comments, launched into a scolding tirade at the young ladies. “Tanya and Prisha, you should be more careful. I know you’ve both tried to help all those people in Port Town, but you’ve been reckless. Tanya, you had an opportunity to stop Beth, but you gave up so easily. Why?” Tyra chastised with a scowl. Tanya sunk her head low as Prisha looked on in disbelief that after all her efforts to rescue people she would have to be called on the carpet by a former super model. BUT TYRA, I WANTED TO….., Tanya hopelessly began. Oprah prepared to speak.

“Look, I know you two are unwitting victims of some creep who got his hands on some funky cosmetics, but I think what Tyra and I want from the both of you is to make a more concerted effort and coordinate how you are going to stop this Beth from hurting more people,” Oprah clarified. “I mean, I know both of you are attractive and extremely smart women. Prisha, you’re studying at an Ivy League school, an aspiring writer whose parents came here from India with little money just twenty years ago. Tanya, you’ve had the wherewithal to start your own fitness instruction school, launch a mail-order fitness video business and even study physics at Stanford. So, why can’t you two see that you need to coordinate among yourselves how to stop Beth? Latest reports have her in the Port Bay, just off of Interstate 656. The police and Coast Guard informed me that they will escort you two to her, so please help the authorities rid your city of this giant menace!” Oprah exclaimed as the audience in the background stood to their feet, commending the inspirational, yet stern instructions.

OK, Prisha and Tanya replied in unison. LOOK, I THINK THIS GIRL HAS ISSUES WITH ME. IT’S DEFINITELY PERSONAL, SO PLEASE MAY BE I SHOULD GO ALONE AND FACE HER MYSELF, Prisha respectfully offered. NO, I SHOULD COME, TOO, Tanya pleaded. NO, THIS IS BETWEEN BETH AND ME, Prisha responded solemnly. Then, in an attempt to lighten the mood, Prisha nudged Tanya who was lounging on the humongous raft and added, REALLY, GIRLFRIEND, YOU’RE A LITTLE GASSY, YOU’RE IN NO CONDITION TO BE AROUND PEOPLE ON THAT HIGHWAY. Tanya frowned good-naturedly as she leaned back on the raft then smiled, as Prisha, Oprah, Tyra and the television studio audience burst into laughter and cheer.

Prisha turned to a northernly direction, positioning her body in the river to where five Coast Guard boats waited to lead her out to the bay, several helicopters buzzing overhead for added security. The river water kicked up, corresponding waves and ripples kissing up against all vessels within hundreds of feet of the giant’s towering legs. Slowly, quietly, with whole world seemingly holding its breath, Prisha made her way to the open waters of Port Bay.

MEOW!

The two passenger ferries, The Captain Bay and The Lighthouse, calmly negotiated the peaceful Port Bay. Side-by-side, only 25 feet from each other, the vessels carried approximately fifty people and twenty cars between them, making the fifteen minute ride between Port Town proper and the outlying Port Town Heights neighborhoods. Seagulls, the gentle hum of the vessels’ engines, the stirring of water by the propellers and the light rocking of the boats, managed to put the businesspeople, tourists and others seeking refuge from giant women, into a temporary lapse of serenity.

“Captain, veer starboard ten degrees, the water is a little rough over here,” one of the ship’s hands suggested. Another ferry crewmember thought something didn’t feel right, deciding to examine the water just over port side. While it seemed impossible, the water below appeared to be whirl pooling, causing The Captain and The Lighthouse to literally tread water, remaining in place. “Captain, something’s wrong. Both ferries are not moving!,” the crewmember bellowed. The captain throttled the engine, calling on the radio to The Lighthouse; that vessel’s captain conveying the same situation. Both vessels’ crews peered out into the water between them, along with many of the passengers. The boats were now no more than eighteen feet apart and the water that lay between bubbled and erupted like a boiling pot.

People on both ferries looked on in awe, gasping among themselves, speculating in horror what might be happening. Both boats shook when the water bubbled higher, ordinarily peaceful waters growling like a wild beast, when without warning, a massive object rose from the deep, giving way to a violent wave that opened up, revealing a monster-sized head, then face. As the creature from the deep continued to ascend upon the frightened ferry-goers, people screamed and clamored about the respective cabins. Chaos had completed engulfed each boat, an incident eerily reminiscent of the similar ferry scene in the recent remake of ‘War of the Worlds,’ where the giant mechanized monsters terrorized the helpless passengers.

The “creature from the deep” in this case, of course, was none other than the infamous giant Beth. Her pretty facial features and seemingly soft femininity did little to allay the broken nerves and pandemonium that overcame people like a virus. Beth stood to her full height between the helpless ships, water running down her drenched hair, bare shoulders and stomach, the waterline just below her naval. Beth scanned all the people milling about the decks and leaned over to peek into the ships’ windows, her eyes taking up the entire view. Rising again above all the mayhem, her head turning each direction to keep an eye on both boats, Beth smiled in amusement.

COOL BOATS, Beth calmly praised as she witnessed several people scaling the boats’ sides and jumping overboard. NOW, WHERE DO PEOPLE THINK THEY’RE GOING? I WAS HOPING TO HAVE A LITTLE POOL PARTY, Beth whined mockingly as she then placed her right hand atop The Captain and reached over, placing her left atop the Lighthouse. Both ferries yawned and moaned from the pressure applied by the huge hands and daunting digits. NO ONE LEAVES UNTIL I SAY SO, Beth warned as she lightly tilted each boat. Not a good move; all of the cars carefully parked and neatly lined up on the decks shifted simultaneously, sending both watercraft off-balance as the cars’ tires skidded across the smooth platform. The already shaken and stirred passengers were beside themselves. Beth sensed the shift, rebalancing the boats accordingly, reveling in the power. NOW, I WANT EVERYONE TO…..

Suddenly, about twenty feet before the giant woman-induced horror scene, the water again stirred, though with much less fanfare, immediately catching Beth’s attention. Within seconds, an equally tall and intimidating Prisha emerged. Beth rolled her eyes in annoyance, as to say that Prisha was no threat, nothing more than a common housefly. STOP RIGHT THERE, BETH!, Prisha sternly and confidently commanded as she wiped the water from her face. Unfazed, Beth swayed her hips as she adjusted her hands’ position on the hostage ferries. Prisha was equally intractable. The two women stood frozen as one dared the other to make the first move.

SO, YOU SLEPT WITH MY BOYFRIEND? Beth angrily inquired of Prisha. YOUR BF? JAY’S MINE, b*tch!, Prisha snapped. THEN WHY IS MY PHOTO IN HIS WALLET? Beth challenged. HUH?…..WHATEVER, Prisha said dismissively. THOSE HAIR EXTENSIONS AND LIP PLUMPS YOU GOT ARE SO TRASH. NO MODESTY EITHER! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF STANDING THERE IN NOTHING MORE THAN A BRA AROUND ALL THESE PEOPLE, Prisha derided. PEOPLE HAVE NOTHING BUT CONTEMPT FOR YOU! Beth looked bewildered. WHAT? THE BIG WORDS SCARE YOU? Prisha teased. Both women snarled when Beth pouted, UGH! DO YOU HAVE TO RUIN EVERYTHING? I WAS HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE TODAY UNTIL YOU SHOWED UP. ALL I WANT TO KNOW IS WHY YOU’RE MAKING PEOPLE’S LIVES SUCH A b*tch, Prisha demanded. WHAT? I CAUSED A FEW MINOR FENDER BENDERS AND SOME PEOPLE WILL BE LATE GETTING HOME; WHAT’S THE HARM IN THAT? BELIEVE ME, I COULD DO A LOT WORSE TO PEOPLE.......BUT I CAN'T, Beth rationed. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Prisha asked confusingly. HELLO?! I’M A VEGATARIAN!?! Beth sighed mockingly, amusingly.

EW! Prisha cringed. THAT’S IT! YOU’RE GOING DOWN! Prisha began walking toward the evil Beth, curling her long fingers in a claw-like fashion. BRING IT ON! Beth invited as she casually plucked a car from the deck of one of the boats and tossed at the approaching Prisha. Prisha ducked as she watched the vehicle plop into the water behind her. DID ANYONE EVER TELL YOU THAT YOU THROW LIKE A GIRL? Beth tossed another car when Prisha lunged toward her. Beth caught Prisha’s hands, both women’s fingers interlocked as good and evil fought to keep their balance, kicking up waves against the two ferries which tugged and struggled to maintain buoyancy. The innocent people on board were tossed around like dolls.

OUCH! DON’T PULL MY HAIR! Beth moaned. I CAN’T STAND SPOILED PEOPLE LIKE YOU! Prisha countered. Prisha managed to drag Beth away from the two vessels when Prisha gained the upper hand, dunking the overwhelmed prima Dona beneath the water, holding Beth’s head below the surface as the air bubbles percolated at the surface. Regaining her composure, Prisha then brought the spoiled brat back to the surface, clasping Beth’s thick locks. Beth gasped, coughed and gagged for air as it appeared Prisha simply outmatched her rival. HMMM, WHILE YOU WERE OUT GETTING MASSAGES AND SHOPPING I WAS KICKING BUTT AT THE GYM. NOW IT’S PAYING OFF, the newly invigorated Prisha chided. Beth was still gasping for air. The humility of the moment seemed to hit Beth with the shock she reserved for others when she paraded around scaring people. Now it was her turn and defeat had its name written all over her, courteousy of Prisha.

NOT SO TOUGH WHEN YOU TAKE ON SOMEWHERE YOUR OWN SIZE. YOU JUST NEEDED YOUR GIRLY BUTT KICKED TO REMIND YOU TO RESPECT PEOPLE AND THEIR STUFF. I KNOW YOU THINK BEING A GIANT IS FUN, BUT IF YOU’RE GONNA SCARE PEOPLE, STOP TRAFFIC AND THROW CARS AT OTHER GIANT WOMEN THEN YOU NEED TO BE STOPPED, Prisha lectured sarcastically, somewhat winded. Beth hung her head in shame, as the gravity of the situation seemed to hit home. HONESTLY, I REALLY DIDN’T MEAN TO BE SO MEAN. I GUESS ALL THIS POWER WENT TO MY HEAD, Beth confessed meekly, desperate for a break from the pounding.

As the sounds of a crippled city clamored in the background, the defeated Beth cautiously surveyed the damage she wrought; the broken highway with rows of mangled and overturned cars, the partially destroyed freeway overpass and the tangled mess on the tracks just offshore. Turning her head modestly toward the nearby ferries, Beth looked at the passengers with puppy dog eyes, hair drenched and disheveled, lips quivering from the chill caused by the breeze lapping against her wet skin. SORRY. CAN YOU FORGIVE ME? Beth pleaded to the exhausted and furious people. With helicopters circling above and the Coast Guard floating nearby, Prisha reached out a hand of friendship. With the hope of ending the all-to-real horror movie, Prisha generously whispered, “Take my hand. Let’s get to shore and may be those cosmetics people can bring us back to normal size. There’s a nice cushy sofa waiting for us in Oprah’s studio.”

END

(Aaah, the story is finally complete. The execs at UA had been hounding me for weeks, so now they can complete the screenplay and get the last part of the script to the eagerly awaiting Joanne. In the meantime, join me, Prisha Pattershandra, as we follow this young and talented actress in ‘Prisha’s Travels – The Movie’. In the next chapter, ‘Joanne; A Day in the Life of an Up-And-Coming-Star,’ we are privileged to be able to tag along as Joanne goes about a typical, er, fabulous day in Hollywood.)